Where is Peace?

As I was sitting here on my bed, pausing while reading (my only true birthday wish), I started humming. I was surprised that the words coming to mind were the words my heart was saying, but they were also the words to a familiar hymn. My pausing while reading was to decide where I need to go to find myself—where I can retreat to be alone and find what I am looking for. I can't seem to escape like I need to. I tried to have a retreat day on Friday and ran into Dave's mom, who again told me Dave was engaged and how lucky he was to find such a wonderful girl. I laughed and cried inside, and decided the world was cruel. But then a couple hours later I ran into an old friend Marc (yes, Alycia), which turned the whole day around. There's always a shimmer of happiness somewhere. If you want some, I can share mine with you!


Where can I turn for peace?
Where is my solace when other sources cease to make me whole?
When with a wounded heart, anger, or malice, I draw myself apart, searching my soul.
Where when my aching grows, where when I languish, where in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He only One.


I know these words are not only for me right now in my life, but they are also for a lot of you. So many of you are coping with deep losses. It's amazing how I'm hearing these words for the first time today. Maybe you are too. We all want to be whole. We all ache, some days more than others. We feel alone or misunderstood or wounded or disappointed. And we all can go to the One who can heal and understand and speak peace. I didn't include the third verse, but I love how in there it says that when we're in our own Gethsemanes, the Savior finds the peace we need and brings it to us. I believe this with all my heart.

For my friends

To give a little background on this photo and how it applies to this very exciting entry, it's an apple orchard in the desert. You might ask, "How could fruit trees possibly blossom in such stark conditions?" It's because there in Capitol Reef there's an underground waterpocket fold, which creates an oasis in the desert. Just like this apple orchard completely surprising everyone by surviving in the middle of nowhere, my gift to you will be a huge anticipation and surprise. Like that?

So a couple weeks ago (I'm slow) I looked at my friend Kara's blog and found this hard-to-pass-up offer:

The first 5 people to respond to this post will get something made by me--my choice! This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

1. I make no guarantees you will like what I make! (I can only hope!)
2. What I create will be just for you.
3. It will be done some time this year.
4. You have no clue what it's going to be--it may be cards, something delicious, a paper weight, or a complete surprise to you (and me)! Who knows?
5. Most importantly, you must offer the same deal on your blog. The first 5 people to comment on your blog get something made by YOU!"

I was the second person to comment on Kara's blog and can't wait to see what surprise she comes up with! Now it's your turn. Leave me a comment on this post, and I will make you something AWESOME!!! (It will also be something special).

Part of the fun is that if you are one of the first five to comment, you get to carry on the task of making five more gifts for your friends. If you've already done this on your blog, comment anyway if you want and don't worry about making more gifts.

you let life get in the way

As I drove home tonight, I was listening to Brand New's song Am I Wrong?, and I felt a connection.

i can't stay in this place
i can't stand when the room turns round on my fate
you give no guarantees
there's no promise i can keep

i can't stand
i can't see my way
i feel blind on my feet
i can't stay too long
am i wrong?

goodbye, lay the blame on luck
you let life get in your way

The week after I got laid off, I found out I would also to soon be released from my church calling and that Dave was dating someone seriously, someone I knew and someone seven years younger than him. That shouldn't have mattered, but it made me want to yell at her to leave the older guys to the rest of us. At that same time it was also evident that I'd forever lost someone else who'd been my close friend and someone who'd always needed me.

This all came together in my mind while I was reading A Weekend to Change Your Life, and according to the book four or more losses or changes at once means it's time for an alone retreat to wander and regain equilibrium and mourn. At that time I really, really needed time alone to process what I'd lost and to strengthen myself for what I now needed to do. I never did it. I moved on and life got busy again and I just smoothed over the unresolved lumps. But tonight I found out that Dave's engaged and my emotions are resurfacing. I hate this. I don't want to go through this anymore. So I'm retreating. Maybe Wednesday? Ha ha! I better check my calendar. Tomorrow's already full. I think that this should be a good reminder for all of us to take regular retreats—walks through old neighborhoods with inspiring architecture, quiet moments alone with your thoughts and a journal, time to understand who we are now because of what we've experienced. This week I'm challenging myself to find that ideal getaway spot. I'm challenging you too! And I expect some good stories back.

The Latest Idea

Here's another one of my latest, though still a brainstorm. Also while I was in the Wilk, I talked for about half an hour to all the people at the tables set up outside the hunger banquet. I was in heaven! Some of the people were there representing or promoting the Political Review, Help, Field Study Programs, Illiteracy, buying cards made by kids in India, and I can't remember what else. and I got a bunch of good info to reenergize me and keep me thinking about where I am supposed to go next.

I talked to one girl about doing a field study program in El Salvador or Uganda that would relate to my Child Life internship. I need to do two internships to certify as a Child Life Specialist . . . but before I can do the internships I need to finish three semesters of school. I'm planning on going this summer, fall, and then spring (at the U they call winter semester spring semester). But without real work it's been hard to see all this happening, esp. since FAFSA just denied me aid. Huge bummer. It doesn't always pay to get a second bachelors. So I'm trying to look at the situation in a new light. It makes me giddy to think about doing a field study program--the world is calling to me!! So we'll see if that ends up being the right path. It's all unknown. I guess that's life.

The Latest Invention

Have any of you guys seen one of these yet? I was in the Wilk on Saturday and found that it is now too old fashioned to pull your own toilet paper off the roll. Isn't this crazy? I admit I didn't know how to use this machine at first and kept turning the dial on the front that says "Manual." Then once I didn't need anymore toilet paper I realized what the machine did because my elbow must have gone under the sensor and toilet paper shot down. And I think somehow they have the toilet coordinated to flush when it hears the noise of the toilet paper coming down! A little much, no?