you let life get in the way

As I drove home tonight, I was listening to Brand New's song Am I Wrong?, and I felt a connection.

i can't stay in this place
i can't stand when the room turns round on my fate
you give no guarantees
there's no promise i can keep

i can't stand
i can't see my way
i feel blind on my feet
i can't stay too long
am i wrong?

goodbye, lay the blame on luck
you let life get in your way

The week after I got laid off, I found out I would also to soon be released from my church calling and that Dave was dating someone seriously, someone I knew and someone seven years younger than him. That shouldn't have mattered, but it made me want to yell at her to leave the older guys to the rest of us. At that same time it was also evident that I'd forever lost someone else who'd been my close friend and someone who'd always needed me.

This all came together in my mind while I was reading A Weekend to Change Your Life, and according to the book four or more losses or changes at once means it's time for an alone retreat to wander and regain equilibrium and mourn. At that time I really, really needed time alone to process what I'd lost and to strengthen myself for what I now needed to do. I never did it. I moved on and life got busy again and I just smoothed over the unresolved lumps. But tonight I found out that Dave's engaged and my emotions are resurfacing. I hate this. I don't want to go through this anymore. So I'm retreating. Maybe Wednesday? Ha ha! I better check my calendar. Tomorrow's already full. I think that this should be a good reminder for all of us to take regular retreats—walks through old neighborhoods with inspiring architecture, quiet moments alone with your thoughts and a journal, time to understand who we are now because of what we've experienced. This week I'm challenging myself to find that ideal getaway spot. I'm challenging you too! And I expect some good stories back.

The Latest Idea

Here's another one of my latest, though still a brainstorm. Also while I was in the Wilk, I talked for about half an hour to all the people at the tables set up outside the hunger banquet. I was in heaven! Some of the people were there representing or promoting the Political Review, Help, Field Study Programs, Illiteracy, buying cards made by kids in India, and I can't remember what else. and I got a bunch of good info to reenergize me and keep me thinking about where I am supposed to go next.

I talked to one girl about doing a field study program in El Salvador or Uganda that would relate to my Child Life internship. I need to do two internships to certify as a Child Life Specialist . . . but before I can do the internships I need to finish three semesters of school. I'm planning on going this summer, fall, and then spring (at the U they call winter semester spring semester). But without real work it's been hard to see all this happening, esp. since FAFSA just denied me aid. Huge bummer. It doesn't always pay to get a second bachelors. So I'm trying to look at the situation in a new light. It makes me giddy to think about doing a field study program--the world is calling to me!! So we'll see if that ends up being the right path. It's all unknown. I guess that's life.

The Latest Invention

Have any of you guys seen one of these yet? I was in the Wilk on Saturday and found that it is now too old fashioned to pull your own toilet paper off the roll. Isn't this crazy? I admit I didn't know how to use this machine at first and kept turning the dial on the front that says "Manual." Then once I didn't need anymore toilet paper I realized what the machine did because my elbow must have gone under the sensor and toilet paper shot down. And I think somehow they have the toilet coordinated to flush when it hears the noise of the toilet paper coming down! A little much, no?

Katie needs . . .

Thanks for letting me play, Jacqui and Christy! Once I read Jacq's I couldn't wait to do my own name.

Type your name into Google followed by the word "needs" i.e. "Katie needs". List the Top 10 hits. Here are mine:

1. Katie-Holmes.org Your source for all your Katie needs

2. Funny Cute: KATIE NEEDS HULA LESSONS!

3. Katie Needs your Help!!! « Morning Coffee

4. Pray for Katie: CPS Fails to Care for Katie, Needs IV fluids.

5. What Katie Apparently Needs... - Vox

6. Katie Needs | Facebook

7. Katie Needs To Work On Her Posture! - Celebrity Gossip - Gossip Thug

8. Katie “needs to be on her own” « Entertainment News

9. My Life is Fun: VANITY TIME- Katie needs YOU

10. Kate Moss finally needs a bra

Mine wasn't as funny as Jacqui's, but still funny enough to post. Please make me laugh and do your own name!

KSL 5: The Unemployed Transfer Student

Video Courtesy of KSL.com

This happened this afternoon in the middle of taking a test. Funny, huh? I was sitting at a table in the Student Center at Salt Lake Community College (SLCC). This semester I've been taking two classes at SLCC--one's called Intimate Family Relations and the other is Child Development. It was great to be back at school, and these courses worked perfect with my work schedule since I didn't work on Mondays when I was at Gibbs Smith. Now I don't work any day. Just kidding.:) I actually have been SO busy lately. And since I'm still not used to this whole school thing, I forget I have class . . . and homework (I typed homeowork first. It's always fun to laugh alone!)and tests (which this morning miraculously ended up being a take-home test!!). I had all three this morning, so I was a little frantic.

So I was doing my take-home test when a man walked up to me. I'd heard him talking to another student across the room, asking her some questions I couldn't decipher. When he got to me, he asked me if I was a transfer student who already had a degree or if I'd recently been laidoff. I said yes to both, so I won the spot on the evening news! The funniest part is imagining my old bosses, Suzanne and Madge, seeing me on TV, right Melissa? Oh man. I wonder what they're going to say. My mom was envisioning the whole senario as a good sitcom episode.

The Official Release

Change is in the air, or maybe it's just in my air! Huge changes! After two years of being the president of the women's organization for the church in my area, I was released. I can't even begin to explain the lessons I learned, how close I was brought to my Savior, and how I struggled and rose higher and grew. I loved serving the growing number of Relief Society ladies (ages 18-31)and will deeply miss it--right now there are 114 of us. I loved being a part of their lives and receiving that constant inspiration to know who was in need. I have gained such a stronger affirmation that God listens and guides and knows how we can help each other in His stead. It all works so beautifully when we all take action and are a part of each others lives! I love it! I am so blessed.

anyone know subconscious sign language?

Heavy. Persistent. Familiar. That's the tugging going on inside me. What is it trying to tell me? It's growing stronger. I feel like my subconscious me is waving her arms over her head and leaping through the air in hopes of catching my attention. She has, but now I don't know what she's signaling. Ever feel that way? Usually when I feel this to a smaller degree, it's a reminder to do something. Call so-and-so. Put your water bottle in your bag. Or it means unfinished business, like I didn't completely resolve a problem or figure something out. This is much bigger. I need to go inward. Much farther than ever before. I see better with my eyes closed and my heart and mind open. Part of me is buried. I think. Part of me has been suffocating for a while and is desperate for air. I think I'm tugging at myself to allow me back into my life.

I love that I have more time now to actually write my feelings in here! Writing is like opening the flood gates, and I don't always take the time to do that like I used to. Something else I miss is how I used to draw pictures for every entry in my journal. I want that part of my life back too. Art does amazing things for me.

Today's Lesson Learned: Surround yourself with people who inspire and uplift you. Negative talk is counterproductive.

unemployment skyrockets to 598,000 in january

Here's a link to an article I just read in the New York Times. Technically I don't count in these numbers since I was laid off in February, but it's just something to think about. Wow. So many lives changed. Yesterday I got two freelance jobs!! Thanks to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. Everything will work out. I actually did a little dance of joy yesterday morning, so that really shows things are looking brighter. :)

Okay so the link guy isn't showing up on this entry. Here it is, but now you'll have to manually copy/paste.

http://www.nytimes.com/?emc=na

it's okay to be different

For the past three Tuesdays, I've been heading south to Bountiful for an institute class on the family—marriage to be more specific. Last week was incredibly deep. So deep I wanted to share it with everyone so that I could keep saying the words out loud and thinking them through all over again. I called Carrie on my way home and then taught my parents when I walked in the door. At one point in my lecture, my dad said, "I'd never thought of it that way before." There you have it. The man can be taught! I felt extremely knowledgeable in that moment. The teacher that night was Wendy Nelson, Elder Nelson cute spunky wife. Most of her thoughts come from her book, which was under her maiden name Watson.

Here are some of the things we discussed in our class. Tell me your thoughts too!

-"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour" (1 Peter 5:8). He wants to devour our self-esteem, our free time, our families, our marriages, our priesthood—things he will never have. He wants us to be selfish. He's good at catching us off guard and making us forget he's the one planting those discouraging thoughts in our heads.
-"As the forces around us increase in intensity, whatever spiritual strength was once sufficient will not be enough!" (Elder Eyring, Ensign, October 1999, p. 9) Doesn't this just make you want to reprioritize your life and better arm yourself?? I love the energy this statement builds. You can't risk being unprepared. We've got to keep being more and more pure and more and more in tune with the Spirit because we live in a deteriorating world.
-There's no strength in giving in.
-The difference between worldly sex and marital intimacy is that sex when married is a soulful and spiritual experience—your bodies AND souls are involved, and when experiencing true intimacy it should bring you not only closer to your spouse but to God. It doesn't degrade. It's symbolic of how united your life is in all aspects—service, work, blessing your extended family. It's not recreational. It's a sacrament. Why would we settle for merely a sexual experience when we can wait for marriage to have true God-ordained intimacy. (As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that pretty much all of you who read my blog are married, so this should be interesting.)
-"Nothing has done more damage to the family than denying we're the offspring of God, only advanced animals, compelled to yield to every carnal urge." (Elder Packer)
-You cannot completely give yourself until marriage. Of course there'll be momentary pleasure. Our bodies are wired that way. If we do wait, it'll be more meaningful with more joy.
-Pornography is a plague of biblical proportion.
-Virtual reality is here to replace virtuous living.
-Sister Nelson is a marriage and family therapist, so she's seen the affects of pornography on families. She made about six slides with two columns each to compare how the world views sex and how God views sex. I tried to write as fast as I could, but I didn't get everything. Here's a little of what I did get.

eternal (not erotic)
helps put off the natural man
under the influence of the Spirit
involves spirit-enhanced passions
soulful union is the goal (not sexual goal)
sanctifying experience
generates love (doesn't kill it)
enlightens and enlivens (doesn't darken)
honors men and women
strengthens relationships
body's a great prize of mortal life (not a play thing)
brings wisdom and love
partaken of (not participated in)
a process (not a product)
supports, heals, and hallows lives
rejoiced in (not joked about)
brings spouses' spirits to life
doesn't offend the Spirit
embedded in truth
union of souls
increases ability to keep commandments and covenants
foundation of endless worlds (not an industry)

The feelings and impressions that stayed with me were that I was born to be a queen. My Heavenly Father has set up His plan so that I can have all that He has if I remain faithful. And why would I settle for anything less? I have every reason to want a man who is worthy and who honors his priesthood and honors me. That night listening to Sister Nelson enlivened me and gave me the spark to keep going. My feet were starting to drag. I was getting drained. But her words gave me purpose again and reminded me what I am fighting for.

Necklace

Now that I don't have a job, I am doing all those things I've been meaning to do, like take pictures of my necklace I blogged about a month ago. Pictures are now attached to the entry on trashion. Enjoy and be inspired!

PS: It's only 11:30 and I've done so much. Family prayers are when Nick leaves for school, so that got me out of bed at 7:30 a.m. Then I started laundry while I ate breakfast and even took all the sheets off my bed to wash (which is a big deal because I detest putting them back on for some reason). Then I took everything out of my closet--well, everything that weighs less than 10 pounds--so that I could vacuum. In case you're wondering, I have a big closet. Then I wrapped up all my Christmas decorations in bubble wrap and boxed them up, took the trash out and pulled the big can to the curb, got dressed, put make-up on, took Izzy on a long walk, folded mom's whites, made a smoothie, played with Izzy, and then got on the computer to connect with all of you guys. Future plans: dust room, read the scriptures, take recyclables to the dump's recycling site, take my give-away pile to DI, take a nap, edit Dad's Baseball Box manuscript, finish painting my map hangers, and go to my amazingly deep religion class tonight. I can't wait!